Monday, December 22, 2008

I hate hateing my father!!


OK ya'll I need to come clean here .. one of the reasons for moving here was to try to repair this awkward wierd stranger thing I have with my father... its never been an outright HATE but just unknowing distrust with me and him.
My sister says he is just kidding around and is rude to everyone but ... DOES THAT MAKE IT OK ?? hell no!!!
This weekend I think I had my final straw.
I was delivering Christmas presents to people and I was taking something to my dads neighbor cause she's a really sweet woman that loves my daughter to pieces. SO I called my step mom to let her know I'd be in the neighborhood. So she invited me to dinner and no sooner than i stepped in their house he went to his room as if to say oh god she's here I'm getting out of here fast. .. I ignored it and thought I'd move on... anyhoo i sat and talked with Sherrie and then dinner was done. Emily their neighbor came over and had dinner with us and oh my he was just out of control rude... I just cant handle him that way. He made very mean hurtful comments about my future profession and it really made me upset and hurt me. His increasing BLATANT disgust with me, his HATE with me, his just total lack of respect of me is really just PISSING ME OFF me.
I have tried every tactic I can to let him know its NOT ok to treat me that way...
Ive tried taking it, laughing it off, ignoring it, walking away, bantering back...
nothing seems to get through to him that its NOT ALRIGHT...
For heavens sake im in school to be a therapist.. a marriage and FAMILY therapist no less.. What kind of a hypocrite am I if I cant even fix my own father issues if people are coming to me for the same problem!!

I digress.. so LAST night was my neces birthday party.
He didn't even say hi to me.. (normally its this awkward hey how you doing, turn and walk away.. but this time just nothing) His wife and I sat down to have a chat My sister was in the room talking to my dad and someone brought up her Christmas present from Tom's Ticket's my dads Ticket business. she works for him occasionally but granted she makes decent money doing it..but hey she does work for him... but seriously why should she get this kick ass bonus present?? oh wait I forgot She is his little precious pet child and it makes me furious!!!
Sherri noticed I was all annoyed and she was like well you need to give him something useful. She sells tickets, my brother is the electronics, and continues on how everyone (or their spouse) has something they are good at that they do for him. This making them important to him...
SO I say rather loudly i admit it , "well All I can provide him is therapy thats all I am good at but apparently its a useless profession." seriously that comment just cuts me to the core!! Anyway after that it just got to me.. he very obviously was being rude and belittling with his petty comments so I eventually just had to leave.

NO ONE else in our family has got the education that I have except for Kathy. And do i get praised... no i get ridiculed for it!!!
It is just so upsetting..
I texted him last night and wrote "you really hurt me today dad... I dont know how to fix us... please help try to fix us." and I heard nothing back. I cried for about 2 hours...
I think after Kyra's Baptism in January I will just cut off contact until he agree's to sit down and chat about what it is he despises about me so much.

This is such a very different family dynamic system here... I just dont understand why there is no Unconditional love... How do you love.. truely love.. with conditions and take take take.. with no recourse no emotion? I just dont know how to express the complete pain he causes me.

Im just so heart broken ...

1 comment:

orangemily said...

I am so sorry!
I really hope you can work it out, but if it doesn't I don't think it reflects poorly on your future profession if he's unwilling to try.
Good luck!